Monday, June 17, 2013

Control

****This is a post that I started a couple months ago and forgot about. I think it's an important topic and decided to finish it up and share it even though it had been some time.****

I'm a control freak. There. I said it. I'm sure Mr. 'man Clan will smile if he sees this admission. I'm a control freak, and I despise spontaneity. I'm a by the book kind of girl. I make a plan. I set the plan into action. I do not deviate from the plan. If something should interfere with said plan? I have a panic attack. I usually adjust and move along accordingly, but not without some added, I'll be it usually unnecessary worry.

I'm  in the process of trying to shed a few extra pounds. How much? I honestly do not know. I couldn't even tell you how much I weigh right now. I use My Fitness Pal routinely to log my food. I'll talk about this in another post. Part of my logging process is to plan the heck out of the food I eat. Deviating from the plan usually ends up with.......you guessed it: a panic attack. I found myself freaking out Monday evening.

Monday night was a fundraiser event for T's baseball team at a local fast food establishment. I LOVE this business's burgers and custard. I was faced with a dilemma of sorts. I had three options: eat a sensible dinner and have custard, eat the burger and fries, or eat the burger and custard. I hadn't had a cheat meal in a over a week. I had plenty of calories after exercise for the burger and custard. Yet, I still found myself obsessing over what to do. Naturally, I turned to social media. I posed the question "Do you eat back the calories you burn from exercising?"

In my screwed up little head, I was having a difficult time allowing myself to eat back the calories. I wasn't even going to go over, but I still felt incredibly guilty. I know how silly this is, but I'm still healing. I'll always be recovering. I was offered very good advice from friends and family. One tiny line from my aunt struck a chord with me and brought tears to my eyes. "Don't let the food control you." Talk about a holy shit I'm slipping back into bad habits moment.

After letting that sink in, my nerves began to calm. I have been letting the food control me. Yes. It is ok to watch what I eat. It is ok to be mindful of eating foods that will give me good energy and make me feel good.  It's normal. What isn't normal is obsessing over it to the point of tears. It's not healthy to punish myself by not having food because I think I'm undeserving or have failed at something. There's a healthy balance in there. I'm still learning, sorting it all out.

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