The other day, my daughter sent me a photo of me that her BFF er.........enhanced.
:) I've known her friend for a loooooong time, and she's one of my best friend's daughter. She's a second daughter to me, so I wasn't offended at all. I was confused, though. I didn't think it was a photo of me. I had to have D send me the original.The person in that photo doesn't look obese or overweight. It couldn't be me. That person doesn't have a double chin. It couldn't be me. That person has a neck and collar bones. It definitely cannot be me. I don't know the person in the photo.
This is me.
And sadly, this.
While my appearances have changed since I've started this healthier lifestyle, I'm stuck psychologically, emotionally. Is this everyone or is this still the damaged girl battling with eating disorders? Who am I? Will the bigger, unhealthier version of me always be the one I see looking back?
Every day is a battle for me. I obsess about food. I plan meals days and days in advance. This isn't the healthiest mentality, but it's how I cope. Most would probably say this isn't how to live. I'm still tied down to food and all of those demons, but it's my life now. It's how I have managed to go two years and counting without shoving a finger down my throat. It's how I have managed to not starve myself in that time.I've always obsessed about food, but in different ways.
The old me would plan grocery lists based on items that taste good going down and were easy to throw up. The new me sees all the food and wants to eat it, but the new me also knows I can't do that. Food isn't just about eating what tastes good. Food is fuel. The new me does splurge occasionally because that is ok.
Who am I? The new me or the old me? I think I'm both. I carry around the big girl to keep me in check. To remind me how far I have come. She was the proverbial bottom that one some times needs to hit in order to work their way up. If I'm not careful, it can all fall apart. I can be back with my head in the toilet bowl and stepping on the scale every day. I don't want that life again. I wasn't living. I was dying.