Saturday, January 22, 2011

A Slave No More

**Warning: This blog is very intimate. It contains potty language and disgusting truths you may not want to hear.**

I hate the scale. I hate weighing in. I despise it. The scale can be so harsh to me sometimes. Yes, I suppose the truth hurts, but there are times when people don't need THAT number. The time for me is now. I put the scale away. I hid it in a closet. I didn't leave it on the bathroom floor where it could tease me and taunt me. I had to. I found myself becoming a slave to the scale. I was obsessing over THAT number. I was so consumed with seeing THAT number go down. When I'd step on the scale and see THAT number unchanged, I'd collapse.

I would think back to all the things I should not have eaten. I would run to the pantry or fridge to find anything I could eat and easily throw up. I'd find myself back over the toilet with my finger down my throat and tears streaming down my face. I had failed. I just want to get better. Yes. I do want to be healthy, but what is more important: THAT stupid fucking number or my overall well being?

It had to end now. One day while I was cleaning the bathroom, I tucked the scale away in a closet. Out of sight. Out of mind. It's been nearly 2 weeks since I gathered up the courage to do this. I haven't binged and purged in 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS. Finally, I'm making progress. I have decided to let my clothes and my body tell me what kind of progress I am making. When I had to recently move to the next hole on my belt, I cried. When I tried on shirts, I had purchased recently and they were too big, I cried. When I was able to go down another pant size, I cried. (Yeah, I cry a lot. I'm such a girl.)

I can't believe I'm making progress without stepping on that dreaded scale. I can't believe I'm finally freeing myself of that ball and chain. I will probably get on the scale down the road. Or I may not. I may give it the big middle finger and carry on with my life. THAT number doesn't define me. It's just a number. Even though THAT number may not change, the simple fact is this: I am changing. Physically and mentally.

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