Tuesday, November 23, 2010

When?

When does it stop hurting?
When does the time come that I can think without it taking my breath away?
When do I stop the tears?
When do I let it go?
When do I accept that he is gone?
When will I finally let it be?

When?
When?

A little over a month ago, a friend from high school took his life. It hit me hard. Harder than I expected. We weren't best friends by any means. He was just a nice guy. I got him. He got me. He wasn't afraid to talk to me, to make me smile. People usually steer clear of the nerds, but not him. He went out of his way to make you happy. I could always count on leaving World History in a better mood than when I went in. He was THAT guy. The one everyone wanted to be around.

Tomorrow is his birthday. I will never forget his birthday. It was in the back of my mind last week, on my birthday. We all would have much rather have been getting together for his birthday party instead of his funeral.

I feel like I should have known. We all do. We should have seen something. We should have been more aware. We kind of feel like we failed him. We somehow let him down by not knowing the demons that were troubling him. We can't blame ourselves. No one is to blame.

We'll never know what the last straw was. We'll never know that moment when he decided this was it. Those are only answers that we think will help OUR troubled minds. We should be more concerned with his. Is he finally at peace?

Marty, I hope you've found the solace you were after. I hope the troubles that were chasing you have finally been laid to rest. I hope you're watching down on all of us. I hope you can see the love that so many people have for you. I hope. I hope I have the strength to help other people battle their demons. I'm going to do my part, and I'm going to do it in your honor. I'm going to stop feeling guilty for enjoying every laugh that you can't hear and every smile you can't see. There's no need to feel this way.

Happy birthday. You are gone but never, ever forgotten, my friend.

2 comments:

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Sorry to hear about your friend Cece.

Maria said...

I'm so sorry about your friend. :(