Saturday, January 31, 2009

I think I am back

I took a quasi-break from blogging. I needed time to figure things out. Nothing was majorly wrong. I'm just screwed up in the head. I have had very mild bouts of depression in the past. Every now and then the problem arises for whatever reason. I had tried medication but found that it often left me in a zombie like state. Even when taking the medication at night, I found myself so lethargic during the day. This is not good seeing as how I have three children who need me. I prefer therapy or a counselor. It is my belief that everyone should see a counselor or therapist. I think it is good to talk things out, to see the source and try to figure out a solution without medication. I do understand that there are times when medication is absolutely necessary. I'm not one of those freaks that says antidepressants are bad. I just have not had any success with them personally.
During my break, I figured out what was triggering my blue mood.
1. Adjusting to the new visitation for Grace and Tater
They are spending a couple of extra days with their father. I didn't think I would freak out like I am, but I miss them terribly. I know it is only a couple of days, but nonetheless, it is time away.
2. Discovering that Little D is Satan
I checked for the markings, but I have not found them yet. I know that he is still young (14 months) but he is pretty much awful. Grace and Tater were such good children. They were so well behaved. Little D is not. I do discipline him and stay on top of his behavior, but it will take time before any of it sets in. I am the type of person that internalizes everything. Little D's bad behavior (or what I think is bad behavior) translates to me being a bad parent. I know this doesn't exactly sound logical, but it is what I have rationalized. If my children turn out to be devils and delinquents, then I have failed at parenting.
3. Financial strains and concerns
I pretty much lost it when my husband told me about the cutbacks at work. I was wondering how we would make it. I realized that we are both incredibly lucky to still have our jobs. I am finding ways to save money and we are cutting things out we don't need. We are doing what we can to keep what we have. We cannot change the economy. If we lose everything, then we lose it. We still have each other. Material items don't make us who we are. These times right now define us. This is what builds character and values.
4. Feeling isolated at work.
I'm not sure if anyone I work with reads this. I have never talked about this with anyone, because I seem juvenile. Over the summer, my best friend H quit working at the day care. I took that pretty hard. Yes, I still talked to her every day and saw here pretty frequently, but I'm a big baby. After the summer program, we realized that due to low enrollment, we would need to combine classes. I would take two classes. This means that now I am by myself for nearly the entire day. The other classes are all on the other side of the building. I know that I am not there to chat all day with the other teachers, but it is nice to just have another adult nearby. There are many days were I am not even able to leave my class to use the restroom. I no longer feel like I am part of the group.
5. Remodeling the house has caused me terrible anxiety.
First, there was the trouble of picking out the paint colors. Then, there was the fear that I was going to hate it after getting it on the walls. Next, it is picking out the flooring and hoping it looks ok with the paint. There is the anxiety from doing things in stages. It doesn't look put together. It would be crazy for us to even attempt to knock it all out in a weekend, but I still get anxious sitting in my living room that looks odd. Of course, we have to PAY for the supplies. Yes, we have the money to do it, but I don't want to spend it. I have a hard time spending money. I was taught to save everything.
6. All of these things combined caused tension with my husband and me.
I was starting to become withdrawn. I stopped talking and became very reclusive. I was unintentionally pushing him away. Obviously, this is something that I did not want to do.

I'm still working through some of the problems, but sometimes talking about things helps me. I'm sorry that this is long and boring, but I need to get it out. Now ya know that I'm a little kooky. I think crazy makes the world go round though.


Crystal said...

Your not crazy or kooky...your normal, doing normal things that normal people do everyday! I often freak out about my kids and how I raise them...sometimes, I feel like I have failed. I know there have been choices made as a mother that I wish I could go back and change..example: Bradley and his hospitalization last year! I too feel like I have been on a downward spiral lately and take it out on the ones close. I keep alot of things to myself and probably do need a counselor too! But all these things...I think, are normal! If you ever need anything, Im always here. Apparently we have alot in common! And its really good to talk about it, but for me, Its better if I write! Love ya!

Trisha said...

Don't think you're crazy!! :)
It's part of life!

I'm a good listener (reader), and here to "talk" anytime you need someone! :) (It may be easier, since you don't "know" me all that well, rather than spilling your heart out to friends/family.)

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

I think you just described my life except substitute children for dogs part! It's good to know that I'm not the only one out there that feels this way. I feel awful because my husband tried to help me figure things out and I just push him away because I can't pinpoint exactly what it is that's wrong! I'm glad your back on the blogwagon!