It really is a darn good thing we aren't doing the big wedding. I would probably end up going into cardiac arrest from all of the panic attacks I would have. D and I went to get our marriage license on Friday. Yes, I realize we are eloping at the courhouse, but I didn't want to take the chance of waiting until the day of to get the license. Knowing my luck, there would be a long line or something else to prevent us from getting our license. I was fine on the trip there. When we pulled up to the building, I started losing it. My chest hurt, and I was having trouble breathing. Ahhh.
D: Are you getting cold feet?
D: Why are you freaking out?
Me: I dunno. I guess I'm really nervous.
D: Why are you nervous? You've been married before. I should be the one freaking out.
Me: Just because I was married before doesn't mean I'm a pro at this. It's still a big deal.
D: It's not a big deal. Nothing is changing. We have been practically married for a long time. Now we will have the piece of paper to go along with it.
He's right. It's really not a big deal. I shouldn't be having an attack. Of course, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I'm not afraid of marrying him. I'm afraid of failing again. He doesn't understand. When you get married, you think "Life is perfect. We are going to live together happily ever after." You don't think that just a couple of short years later you will be divorcing. No one enters a marriage planning to divorce, that's absurd. Unless you are someone who is marrying for money, I suppose. I want to be happily married. D makes me very happy and I am incredibly lucky to have him. It is so hard to explain this feeling. I'm ashamed to let myself plan for the future again. A part of me feels like I should only live in the moment. If I worry about the future and what it may or may not hold, then I will not be living a whole life. It's like constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the moment when the glass shatters and the dream is broken. That thinking is toxic for a relationship. D doesn't deserve that. I'm well aware that nothing or no one is perfect. I know every day isn't going to be heaven. I know we will have ups and we will have downs, but hopefully the first will outweigh the latter. I like to think that I have learned a lot in the time since my divorce. I've learned more about relationships and more about myself. Should one of those bumps in the road appear to be too much to handle, I know it is something we will be able to navigate around. Long story short: yes I am very excited and happy to be marrying D. I am not getting cold feet. I just have really, really, really bad anxiety. :)