Monday, November 24, 2008
D: Are you getting cold feet?
D: Why are you freaking out?
Me: I dunno. I guess I'm really nervous.
D: Why are you nervous? You've been married before. I should be the one freaking out.
Me: Just because I was married before doesn't mean I'm a pro at this. It's still a big deal.
D: It's not a big deal. Nothing is changing. We have been practically married for a long time. Now we will have the piece of paper to go along with it.
He's right. It's really not a big deal. I shouldn't be having an attack. Of course, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I'm not afraid of marrying him. I'm afraid of failing again. He doesn't understand. When you get married, you think "Life is perfect. We are going to live together happily ever after." You don't think that just a couple of short years later you will be divorcing. No one enters a marriage planning to divorce, that's absurd. Unless you are someone who is marrying for money, I suppose. I want to be happily married. D makes me very happy and I am incredibly lucky to have him. It is so hard to explain this feeling. I'm ashamed to let myself plan for the future again. A part of me feels like I should only live in the moment. If I worry about the future and what it may or may not hold, then I will not be living a whole life. It's like constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the moment when the glass shatters and the dream is broken. That thinking is toxic for a relationship. D doesn't deserve that. I'm well aware that nothing or no one is perfect. I know every day isn't going to be heaven. I know we will have ups and we will have downs, but hopefully the first will outweigh the latter. I like to think that I have learned a lot in the time since my divorce. I've learned more about relationships and more about myself. Should one of those bumps in the road appear to be too much to handle, I know it is something we will be able to navigate around. Long story short: yes I am very excited and happy to be marrying D. I am not getting cold feet. I just have really, really, really bad anxiety. :)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
His wife also purchased a new phone recently. She has the Blackberry Curve. This is my second favorite phone. The third one I found, I believe is relatively new. I have yet to see it in person, but I know the day will be here soon. It's from LG. I can't remember the darn name and I am much too lazy to go look it back up. I can't get a new phone until February. That works out well anyways: tax return time!!! I will definitely be getting myself a new phone. I can't wait!!!!
1. I'm a red head.
2. I'm a scorpio.
3. The combination of 1 and 2 makes for a pretty mean person.
4. I'm 5'9.
5. I'm the shortest kid in my family.
6. My sister is 2 inches taller than me.
7. I'm from Illinois.
8. I wish I lived there now.
9. I drive a minivan.
10. I hate the minivan.
11. My kids love the minivan.
12. I'd rather have a Cadillac CTS.
13. I'd even settle for a new Impala.
14. A '57 Bel-Air would be even nicer.
15. I love food.
16. I love to cook.
17. I hate any kind of shopping.
18. Even though I hate shopping, I still love the holidays.
19. I have one sister and three brothers.
20. I think we get our looks from Dad. Seriously.
21. I am not a girly girl.
22. I cut my hair off.
23. I wish I had my longer hair back.
24. I've always been a little on the thick side.
25. Dieting is scary for me.
26. I've battled an eating disorder (off and on) since the 7th grade.
27. Not many people know that.
28. My mother never took me to get help.
29. My mom is the reason for the eating issues.
30. My mom and I are not close.
31. I wish we were.
32. I am terrified that my daughter and I will not be close.
33. I would hate to fail as a parent.
34. I put myself last, always.
35. I like it that way.
36. I would rather give a gift than receive one.
36. I might be a little OCD.
37. I clean my trash can 4 times a week.
38. I hate my house.
39. I only hate it because I can't decide how to decorate it.
40. I want to have a beautiful lawn.
41. I have a brown thumb.
42. I am indecisive.
43. I am an anxious person.
44. I have a panic attack at least once a week.
45. I don't sleep well at night.
46. I like sleeping by myself.
47. D hates that.
48. I have an iron stomach.
49. A kid puking doesn't freak me out.
50. Poopoo doesn't either.
51. I want to go back to school.
52. I have two years of college under my belt.
53. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
54. I would love to be a stay at home mom.
55. I am terrified of spiders.
56. I have a panic attack and cry hysterically when I see a spider.
57. I'm afraid of dying young.
58. I am terified of having to bury one of my children.
59. I love chocolate.
60. I coudln't eat chocolate during my last pregnancy.
61. This is probably why I was so cranky.
62. I have three kids.
63. I really don't want any more.
64. What I do want is a dog.
65. I am so excited about canceling the big wedding.
66. The only sad part is there will not be any pretty pictures.
67. I only have a few close friends.
68. I like beer.
70. Bonfires are a lot of fun.
71. Growing up, I had more friends who were boys.
72. I had fun beating them in sports.
73. I played soccer.
74. I also played basketball.
75. I briefly played vollyball.
76. I miss being athletic.
77. I was a brut in sports.
78. I was married once before.
79. Marriage is still a little scary to me.
80. I love garlic bread.
81. I also love scrambled eggs
82. My favorite color is purple.
83. My least favorite color is orange.
84. I love to read.
85. I haven't read a book in a while.
86. I can't decide what book to read.
87. I have fair skin.
88. I have had a few skin cancer scares.
89. The first one came when I was only 12.
90. I don't really care for yellow gold.
91. I'm addicted to making lists.
92. I take about 2 hours total making a shopping list.
93. I love nice sheets.
94. I want to buy new sheets but can't decide on a color.
95. I have had surgery on both of my knees.
96. I had the surgeries in consecutive summers.
97. I was pretty pissed off about that.
98. I have trust issues.
99. I am getting much better.
100. I am a very competitive person.
Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be. I could have kept going. Hmm...perhaps another time.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
2. No Bake Oatmeal Cookies
These are a favorite from my childhood. I somehow always manage to screw them up though. I will probably have my momma make these for me.
4. Oreo Fudge Bars from Bakingblonde's Weblog
5. No Flour Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies
Another old favorite. These are so simple to make too. They only require 4 or 5 ingredients. I will problaby use the dark chocolate kisses though. I don't care for milk chocolate.
Can you tell that I am a chocoholic? I'm pretty sure that I bleed chocolate. Grace cannot wait for me to make all of these cookies. She wants the NOW. What are some of your favorite cookie recipes???
Monday, November 17, 2008
I need to also put up a disclaimer. These are not original photos. I will do my best to take photos of my actual creations. And as I mentioned before, some of these are fattening or tend to be, but I have a couple of tricks to lower the fat.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I just watched this a few minutes ago. I thought this was very funny. JT just might have a future on SNL.
---I have a new crush in my life. I am in love with Paul Rudd. He has acted in several well known movies: Anchorman, Forty Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up and more recently, Role Models. I tend to have a thing for guys that aren't typically thought of as sexy. I happen to think he very sexy. Mmmm.
--- To the butt nugget who drives the Dodge Charger. You are not cool. I think your car is ugly. You are endangering a lot of lives driving as recklessly as you do. EVERY morning you follow me to the highway. EVERY morning you think it is necessary to ride my ass. Sometimes, you even decide to pass me on the dangerous curves. I have even witnessed you take the strait lane at the light and turn left just to cut everyone else off. Once we hit the highway, you proceed to change lanes rapidly with out signaling. I showed you though. You were riding my ass at 70 mph. I slammed on my brakes. How do you like that? If you are in that big of a hurry, THAN LEAVE EARLIER!!!!!!!!!!!
--- This diet thing isn't working out for me. I have no self control. I don't know what happened to me. I see food. I eat it. I can't stop. And forget about exercising. That would cut into my nap time. I am hoping that tomorrow will be the start of a new week. I am going to start journaling what I eat every day. Maybe this will help me.
--- Thanksgiving is almost here!! I love the holidays. Well, all except the part where I have to shop. That's not fun.
--- I thought was was dying on Friday. I was at the Evil Empire (aka Walmart). My vision started to go all wonky on me. I had trouble seeing anything. Then a headache started in. I was terrified that I would pass out in one of the aisles and hit my head. Then what if the baby climbed out of his straps and he fell out and hit his head???? Now ensues a panic attack. Oh great. I am not going to attempt to drive in this condition. I hang out at the store until it goes away. Thank goodness it stopped, but I did have a headache for the next 24 hours. At least I'm not dead!!!
That is all for now, I think. Have a lovely weekend.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Well, I am going to go clean. Yes, I clean a lot, in case you haven't noticed. I might have OCD.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
I haven't cleaned the house house this week because I was sick as a dog. I know it seems to be going around. I came down with a cold three weeks ago. It wasn't any fun, but it wasn't nearly as bad as this latest round. Tuesday night, I felt fine. I woke up Wednesday, and I felt like I had smoked a carton of cigarettes. My chest was killing me. Thursday was a million times worse. I was running a fever, and my chest was SO tight that I was having trouble breathing. My breathing was very shallow. I called my mom (she's an RN) to see what she would suggest. I have been known to have high blood pressure so I don't want to kill myself over some cold medicine. She suggested Mucinex. It worked ok, I suppose. I think it would have been more effective if I would have woken up in the middle of the night to take a dose. My mom also offered to come down and get Little D. I had been off on Fridays for a while. She was going to take him Thursday night and bring him back Friday night, so that I could rest and get well. That was so sweet of her. My mother and I have really never been close. Ever. I try, but it's hard to form that bond that you missed developing at a young age.
The kids had a blast last night. Well, Grace didn't. As expected, she started complaining half way through. A, Tater and Grace's bonus mom (we don't say step because that sounds evil.) came over to walk around with us. She has been fighting off a nasty cold too. She brought me some of her OTC meds that she had left and some homemade soup!! How flipping sweet is she?!?!? She is such a sweetheart. It made me feel good that she thought of me. Since I'm the mommy, no one ever really takes care of me when I'm sick. I know, I know...woe is me. LOL.
Ok, well.....breakfast is finished, so I must tackle this mess I call my home.