Friday, September 26, 2008


I am an extremely anxious person. I will have an anxiety attack over the most ridiculous things. I flip out over what cereal to buy. A little neurotic, perhaps. But, hey, that's me. Currently, I am trying to keep from going into a full blown panic attack. I was on STLWed and I realized just how much I have been slacking in my wedding planning. There are so many things I haven't done. And big things too. Well, the major one is finding an officiant. I am going to contact one that is suggested on the forum.
This just doesn't help with my recent mood/state of mind. I'm not getting all Section 8 or anything. I have just been in a funk. I feel like nothing I do is right. I'm losing control over so many different things and I have no idea how to grab the reigns and get back on course. When this happens, I tend to retreat within myself. I bottle everything up. I feel like I need to talk to somebody, but no one wants to listen. Or no one has any solutions for me. That's really what I need. I need guidance and clarity. I've tried praying, but my head is still so foggy. I want to go to church, but I'm afraid that Little D is going to be awful in the nursery. And I don't really want a stranger to watch him. I've only been to this church a couple of times, so I really don't know any one. My mother and I have a terrible relationship. I can't talk to her about anything. My dad and I are fairly close, but I don't want my mom to catch wind of anything I might say. I have a couple of good girl friends, but their lives are far more dramatic than mine. My problems seem so trivial when compared to theirs. Any time I talk to D about how I actually feel, he yells at me. Or to me as he likes to say. I think he was brought up in a house where if you are a boy, you aren't allowed to be sensitive. I could start a journal. But then D would probably read it and yell at me...I mean to me. (I should clarify something. D is not emotionally abusive. He just has a problem with directing his anger and controlling his tone. Many times when he is talking to me, I feel like he is yelling at me. He told me he is not yelling at me....he is yelling to me. LOL. And so the long term joke insues.)
I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to burst, like my head just might explode on this particular day. I want to be able to actually relax. Just for a minute. I don't need an entire day to myself. I want to be able to breath for a minute. I can't catch my breath. Life is moving too fast.
Ok, I am feeling a little better now. My chest isn't hurting like it was.

1 comment:

Katie said...

Aww, just try to take tasks one at a time. Don't look at the whole picture with everything you have to do until you feel like you are finished.

Just make a list and knock things off. Trust me, you will get things taken care of much more quickly.