Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Running with Scissors

Would you like to know what drives me nuts? Ok, so that is a pretty general question, because lately I have found that I am quite the cranky old lady. On my mind today: boys/men with long hair. I am not hip, cool or anything of the sort, which is perhaps why I don't understand it. I know there are plenty of women out there who find long hair on men very attractive. I am NOT one of those. It drives me INSANE. I just want to sneak up behind them and snip their hair off. I know that technically that could be considered assault, but it has to be done. Here are a few examples:

Kate Hudson's son

Celine Dion's son
Cindy Crawford's son
I suppose I could just be jealous. I mean, seriously, their hair looks better than mine. I would kill for some long, healthy, shiny locks. At least they take care of their hair. It could be a nasty rat's nest, but it's not. This all leads to one very important question: is long hair on a boy better than
a mullet
or a rat tail?
I think the answer is yes, I do prefer long hair to a mullet or rat tail.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

My son Tater Tot

Tater tot was given this name because of the way he used to eat his hash rounds: dipping them in the icing for cinnamon rolls. BLAH! Tater Tot eats LOTS of unusual food combos. I gag watching him. Whatever works though.

Tater Tot is 5. He will be starting kindergarten this year. He is pretty excited. He is such a little man. He loves to put a belt on, tuck his shirt in, clip on his cell phone and walkie talkies. Oh, and we can't forget the keys. They have to be attached to the belt too. Tater Tot is can be a little whiny sometimes, but we are working on that.

He has one of the craziest imaginations of any child. He comes up with the weirdest things. And he tells us whatever he is thinking at the time. He has no filter or diarrhea of the mouth, whichever you would like to call it. He told me today that the tooth fairy was going to bring him a million dollars. Sweet. I want some. His stories also tend to go on for.eve.er. He will talk for an hour straight about what goes on at "work." He is definitely a momma's boy, which I don't mind too much.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Darn You Broccoli!

I made the mistake of eating two little tiny pieces of cooked broccoli at dinner. I am paying for it now. I understand that it is common for people to be gassy after eating broccoli. I become ill. This is very saddening for me, as I LOVE broccoli. Just for shits and giggles, I typed this into Google "Why does broccoli make me sick?" The second hit was " Does broccoli make my vagina smell?" Well, I'm curious. I must click. I'm thinking you have a stinky snatch because you need to bathe. I'm not an expert though. I read on.....she swears that her boyfriends doodad tastes like cookies if he eats ice cream cones. I think she may need more drugs. I digress.

After quite a bit of research, I have no idea why broccoli does this to me. I asked my doctor years ago. He told me I'm crazy. I eat quite a bit of fiber, so I'm not sure if this is the cause. Cucumbers also cause me to become violently ill. Occasionally, I have troubles with peanuts and peanut butter. I really dislike the fact I cannot eat the foods I enjoy. I suppose it could be that I am just getting old. I don't really like the sound of that. Eek!!!!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Poor horsey

Today I saw something that got me thinking. I was driving home doing about 75. Yeah, it's fast but the speed limit is 70, so not too big of a deal. I see this guy whiz past me in the right hand lane. Obviously, he is going faster than 75. Since I am a horrible judge at speed, distance, measurements in general, I can only assume that he is driving at least 80. This gentleman is pulling a horse trailer behind him. I say to myself, " Surely that trailer is empty. That couldn't be good for the horsey, donkey, ass, mule or whatever may be back there." Perhaps I am wrong, and an animal in the back of the trailer really isn't affected by the speed. Being an animal lover, I was a little concerned for the poor creatures in the back.

Pissy Pants

One of my brazilliant coworkers wrote this "letter" to a parent. We of course are not going to give her the letter. She was venting her frustrations. She is my afternoon counterpart, so I deal with the same mess she does. This letter stems from a child who has proven to be damn near impossible to potty train. I have NEVER had so much difficulty getting a child to use the damn potty.

Dear Parent,

I am sick and tired of dealing with you child pissing all over my floors. I am NOT an f*ing janitor. After much consideration, I have decided to make better use of my time and put him in pull-ups or diapers. We, the teachers, have escorted your child to the bathroom and waited for him to go---only to have puddles of piss 10 minutes later. We want to know exactly what in the hell you are doing to help us in this process. Also, please send the denim shorts, girl's gingham pants and blankets back. We are a preschool- not a free clothing store!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Money talks

This is me tonite on this the most depressing day in St. Louis history. In-Bev bought out A-B. Booh. I used to be a Bud Light fan. I now find myself lost in the beer world. I WILL NOT purchase another Bud Light in my lifetime. Yes, a bold statement, but I have principles. I cannot be bought out. I have no clue what beer I will be drinking in the future. I suppose this just gives me a great reason to be drinking in the coming weeks. I HAVE to drink to find one I like. Man, I can rationalize anything. No, I'm not an alcoholic. I just like the taste of beer.
I hear so many different stories. A-B had to sell because they were losing money, cutting jobs, etc. On the other side, I have heard experts say a lot of jobs will be cut even with In-Bev buying them out. I seem to recall something similar when TWA was taken over.
I do have a couple of Bud Lights left. If it weren't so late, I would drink one and savor what was once a great part of St. Louis tradition. Yeah, a little cheesy, but don't mess with a bitches brew!!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

My daughter Grace

No, that's not her real name. It's actually more of an antonym. She is anything but graceful. Poor child. She can't help she takes after her mother. She is almost my clone minus the red hair. She even has my sass.

Grace is 8 years old. Well, technically she is 81/2 today. She made it very clear to me that today is her half birthday, and we should be doing something fun. I told her, "Ok. Go clean your room." She is a perfect little girl. She loves school and reading. She pushes herself so hard. She is somewhat shy, but accepting of everyone. She always has something sweet to say about someone. Grace says she wants to play sports but hates to be sweaty. On the same note, she isn't afraid to play in the dirt. She is so thoughtful. Whatever holiday it may be, she makes a card for someone and tells them "Happy whatever Day!" She is great with her younger brothers. She loves to be the little mom and help change diapers (not the poopy ones) or make a bottle.

I love her to death. She's definitely the princess of the family. I love you to the moon and back Grace (a line from one of her favorite books).

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Well darn it.

I had to stop at Quick Trip for my weekly raping. While pumping my gas, I read a sticker on the side of the pump. It's the one with "Do's and Don'ts". The last line says that QT gasoline is not intended for aircraft engines. Well, shit. Where am I supposed to fill up my jet? I just thought that was funny.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

3 or 5 part series to come.

I'm going to do a series of posts in regards to my family. I can't decide if I just want to post about my kiddos or include myself and my fiance. I'm just taking time to brag because I'm so proud of everyone. I know you can't wait!!!!